Sad times

Note: I wrote this post a few days ago when I was sick with a fever and feeling really crummy, so it's not particularly uplifting but I'm posting it anyway (without spell-checking so beware)

 

our months ago, before we set out on this trip, I was oddly cool-headed about the whole thing. I wasn't nervous or stressed out. I barely even thought about it. I was so busy studying for/stressing about the MCAT, there was very little room left to worry about this trip. Also, Anthony was stressed out enough for the both of us. And for the most part everything has been pretty easy and stress-free. There were frustrating moments of course (getting lost in the freezing rain in Athens, missing our night train to London) but nothing particularly bad has happened to us.

But then a week before leaving for Vietnam I was totally overcome with anxiety. It started with an email from the volunteer program director in which he essentially warned us about the horrible conditions the clinic may be in, and not to be too shocked when we see children beaten because that's just how it's done here. I realized I had no idea what to expect and I was terrified we were walking into some sort of nightmare. Every worst-case scenario ran through my head and I was so close to just skipping Vietnam and heading straight for Bangkok.

Obviously I didn't do that and I'm glad because for the most part my fears were unfounded. Well, maybe not totally unfounded because this place is pretty fucking bleak. This 'clinic' is more of a boarding school for financially disadvantaged children with various mental and physical disabilities. Unfortuately, this place is woefully understaffed and there is very little education happening. The kids are underfed and cold. Everyone is sick. They are constantly yelled at, often hit, sometimes even kicked.

Moreover, these kids have a lifetime of struggle ahead of them and there is nothing I can do about it. It's depressing. But at least I can improve their present lives, even if it's by just a small degree. I can play with them, help teach them, hold their cold little hands. I'm not making much of a difference in their lives, really. And their situation is just so hopeless that being here almost feels pointless. But at least it's something? Maybe?

I guess if nothing else I am walking away from this with an even stronger desire to help disadvantaged and under-served communities. So maybe even if I'm not making a difference in these kids lives, I'll be making a difference in someone's life at some point in the distance future.